A real sign (with my red line inserted for emphasis) in a real retail store in a real city I visited this past weekend.
I did some thinking–definitely more difficult on a Monday; maybe I need a “select energy drink”–and here are some questions I have:
- Do internal organs remain intact after said energy drinks are imbibed?
- Do select energy drinks have to be registered? If so, is there a waiting period?
- Is there a “Select Energy Drink” safety training course?
- Can “select energy drinks” also be used as effective hunting tools? If not, do they work well as decoys and bait?
- Given that “proper ID [is] required,” is there a learner’s permit for consuming “select energy drinks”?
- Are there special interest and/or lobby groups that argue for Second Amendment protection for “select energy drinks”?
- Will newly legal 18-year-old consumers of “select energy drinks” also exercise their new voting rights during the elections? Will they have enough energy to do so?
- If this sign appears on a standardized test and includes directions to “select the item that does not belong,” will the test-taker(s) be confused?
- What is the special, determining criterion that elevates an energy drink to “select energy drink” status?
- Was Mountain Dew so bad after all?