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“Select Energy Drinks”

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A real sign (with my red line inserted for emphasis) in a real retail store in a real city I visited this past weekend.

I did some thinking–definitely more difficult on a Monday; maybe I need a “select energy drink”–and here are some questions I have:

  • Do internal organs remain intact after said energy drinks are imbibed?
  • Do select energy drinks have to be registered?  If so, is there a waiting period?
  • Is there a “Select Energy Drink” safety training course?
  • Can “select energy drinks” also be used as effective hunting tools?  If not, do they work well as decoys and bait?
  • Given that “proper ID [is] required,” is there a learner’s permit for consuming “select energy drinks”?
  • Are there special interest and/or lobby groups that argue for Second Amendment protection for “select energy drinks”?
  • Will newly legal 18-year-old consumers of “select energy drinks” also exercise their new voting rights during the elections?  Will they have enough energy to do so?
  • If this sign appears on a standardized test and includes directions to “select the item that does not belong,” will the test-taker(s) be confused?
  • What is the special, determining criterion that elevates an energy drink to “select energy drink” status?
  • Was Mountain Dew so bad after all?




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